We were on an expedition during our March holidays. We had to bring our juniors for a short expedition to Mount Ophir and 2 other mountains, followed by a visit to Tioman Island. I was one of the leaders for the last day of the expedition. We had to walk from one end of the island to another, under the hot sun. As most of us were quite drained by that time, we were rather unmotivated and our movements were slow and unwilling. However, as a leader, I had to make sure that the activities are executed as planned; hence I got to rush them. Everyone was dragging their feet to complete it and struggling to resist the temptation of the cold beverages at the roadside stalls. This is where the situation started; my girlfriends bought the drinks behind my back. I gave instructions clearly that no one is allowed to buy or consume any drinks other than water but they went against it. This is partially due to their status of being seniors; hence the necessity to obey an instruction is quite redundant. I understand that but I was hoping to receive their support for me as a leader. I know that I was harsh on them as I was too focus on being a leader and neglected their feelings. However, I needed them to act as role model for the juniors to follow. After this incident, I did not talk to them for a period, as I was very angry.
When we gathered back in school after the expedition, some of them came to talk to me and apologized. I felt miserable as I felt that I was petty and allowed emotions to take over me. Some of us still stayed as close friends till today but some were lost…
If I could turn back time, is there a way we can all still stay as close friends?
Hi Lynette,
ReplyDeleteI face similar situation as you, that my friend and I are no longer close after working together for a period of time. :( Conflict has badly affected our friendship because I failed in managing the conflict.
It is often difficult for us to control our emotions. Most of the time, our emotion will be reflected on speaking tone and body language. Perhaps you should talk to your friends in a non-offensive manner regarding your feelings. It is important to ensure that they do not have a feeling that you are more superior than them. Let them understand your thinking as a leader who hopes to get their supports.
If you never tell your friends, nobody is able to know what is in your mind and why you are angry. Try to control your emotion instead of letting your emotion to rule on you. Proper communication would create mutual understanding in both parties.
Do hope that we can improve our EI which will enhance our interpersonal relationship.
Hey Lynette,
ReplyDeleteI see it's a knotty situation. On one hand, you have to be a leader and hence, you have to 'set the rules'. On the other hand, they are your friends and its harsh to 'command' the friends on what to do. I believe it is quite disappointing when friends don't give the respect we needed. I guess in such situation, I will have a heart to heart chat after the issue to find out why they did as they did. Still, I can't say what will happen after that. Sorry to hear that some friends were loss. On the bright side, you will probably stay closer to some friends after the incident.
Hi Lynette
ReplyDeleteI agree with Yongwei that this is a difficult situation to handle because there were so many factors to consider. However, I think it is still important to make thoughts and concerns known. Certainly one has to be extremely tactful when handling matters like these and there could be no easy solutions. Perhaps, it would have been good to talk with the seniors without the presence of the juniors and raise your concerns and persuade them. I believe this would minimise the feeling that you are criticising them and probably they will be more accepting and understanding with your stand. Afterall, you were doing your job and I think they would be able to understand your point of view.
Nevertheless, I hope all of you will be able to be together and be good friends again, especially since it takes fate to be friends and to be able on the same trip.
Hey Lynette
ReplyDeleteI understand your feeling. I must be very demanding to be a leader in that situation. You did a great job to carry out the planned activities on time.
I notice one thing that we easily become very tense as our environment become harsh. Consequenstly. we tends to lose one important element in interpersonal skills: humour. Maybe at that time, you could stop their actions in a light hearted way and joke about what they had done in front of the juniors. "Aiyo, how come the seniors cannot set role models......" Maybe your girlfriends would realise what you said was totally right once they care about their images in front of the juniors.
After the expedition, it would be a good time to discuss the problem openly no matter which party's fault it was. Put our emotions away for a while and let your friends know your diffiult situations. I think even now you can make a call to them to catch up as we become more mature in the past 2-3 years. Those strong emotions fade away as time passes. When I think back about my high school days, I cannot help laughing that how cute those memories are even if it was a fight between friends.
Yup, this is what I thought. hope can help : )
Thanks for all your advices. :) I agree with your suggestions such as controlling of emotions, do not act superior than my peers, talk to them without the presence of my juniors and also using humour to ease the tension. They are great suggestions! Emotions can be a killer at times, when we let anger take over our thinking and act irrational. On top of that, acting superior in front of peers is a definite "no-no", as I would not like that as well. Maybe I did handle my emotions well at that time and also acted more superior than my peers which makes them feel uncomfortable. I did talk to them when the juniors are not around, and we did settle the issue partially. I must admit that humour is the good tool to handle the tense situation so that I can avoid allowing my emotions to control my actions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your advices, I appreciate them alot! Don't worry, I am still friends with them but no longer as close. However, I think we have all put it behind us as we have grown out of that phase, there is no point remembering unhappy issues when life is so short, rite? Be happy is the way to live :)